First you must participate in her incarceration. Provide help that is poorly timed. Give advice before she is ready to hear it, give support that always comes too late. Experience relief when she reaches out to others, even if you know they are all the wrong people, at least it means you are temporarily unburdened. Overwhelm her with your problems and magnify her feelings of inadequacy by reporting to her your successes. Act like nothing is wrong. Even when she tells you she is chronically shoplifting and keying cars remain stubborn in your belief there is nothing wrong. Become frustrated with her state of crisis and take it out on her. Scream and humiliate as if you have no other options. Now, when she is ripe with mental anguish, miss her incoming phone call on purpose.
Think of her, isolated and mired in madness, and find yourself incapacitated with grief. Flee to her without any discernible plan, simply out of lust to see her again and know she is alive. Allow others to take responsibility for her defense. Trust lawyers. Sacrifice assertiveness to self-doubt. Fail to realize you will be required to appear in court on her behalf. Fail to prepare or even to pack appropriate clothing for such an occasion. Use the witness stand at her bail hearing as you would a psychoanalyst couch. Tell the truth and tell lies when you should be telling lies of omission. Misappropriate your evasive nature. By the time the “justice of the peace” delivers his unfavorable ruling, succumb to exhaustion and a wrongheaded belief that finally the end has come. For her, for us.
Rest. Watch television dumbfounded. Kanye West toasting douchebags on the VH1 Music Awards will prove especially useful. Blame yourself unabashedly. Wallow in your hubris. Sort, file and itemize all the wrongs you have done her. Once that task is complete check it off your list and move on.
Fight. If people will call you a bitch you might as well adopt the breeding of a pitbull. Fight fate as a full-time occupation. Overstate your importance and agency in the situation. Transform the most dire circumstances into hope. Take note that the seriousness of her charges make the case attractive to some of the best attorneys in the country, even on legal aid. Call every single one of these attorneys. Call every community agency, case worker and discharge facilitator that could possibly help. Commit every piece of advice, offer of support and referral to resources to memory. Carry them with you and weigh their competing solvency while waiting in line at the grocery store or enduring awkward pauses in conversation. Spend a minimum of your time attempting to address your awkwardness in social situations.
Restrain yourself. Stop verbally abusing the guards when you arrive for your regular visits. They will use this as an excuse to limit your access to her and they may fuck around with her on the inside. Recognize their power is real even as it is gravely unjust. Recognize your desire to attack is a protective impulse born of your own selfishness. Temper these impulses. Imagine your anger funneled through a magnifying glass, concentrated into a burning energy force, an unlikely destroyer. When the phone cuts out prematurely during your visit yell loud enough for sustain your conversation with her through the filthy plexi-glass divider. Lament the absence of physical contact in private. Use the little time you have to see her to strategize and sooth.
Listen, goddammit. As her wounds heal she will improve in communicating what she needs as long as you nurture much needed quiet. Scour for quotes, poems, song lyrics and readings to feed her redeveloping sanity. Make it a point to write her daily. Avoid feelings of guilt when it becomes impossible to keep this up as a daily practice. Or, better yet, confront the feelings head on.
Use Facebook for the powers of good, for once. Relay to friends and allies what has happened with tact and discretion. Most people will want to help but many of them are betrayed by their proclivities toward gossip and other such trifling behavior. Exploit everyone within your reach for their wisdom and presence. Encourage all of them to also send letters. Inundate her with best wishes.
Organize. View all of your past experiences in community advocacy as preparation. Take advantage of the arbitrary and fickle nature of justice and lay your influence on it by bringing a slew of reputable people to court for her appeal. Mix in the non-reputable to pad your numbers. Remember appearances are paramount. Feign respect for the procedure and authority of the court. Silently vow your revenge.
Phyrecracker
